Inside My Head

Hello again my fellow readers. I figured today I would just write about whatever came first to my mind and run with my stream of conciousness. I guess that's what I'll do combined with some of what went on in my day.
Man what sucked today was I screwed up. I looked at porno today and I am really not proud of that. I now have new motivation not to. That is, I really don't want a lot of people looking at this saying "Man, what a perv" or "This guy's really fucked up". I've been looking at that shit way to long and it's brought me into too many crazy things. And like a moron, even though I loathe myself for it, I keep going back. What keeps me going back? I honestly don't know. Is it the adrinaline rush of knowing I'm doing something I'm not supposed to? Is it possibally the fact that I really like jacking off and it sounds good at the moment. Yeah that sounds like a pretty good possibility. I really need to take a look at how it affects the future and think about how it benifits me in the long run. It dosen't benifit me in the long run. Not a damn bit. All it does is destroy me and teach me how to hate myself and how to look at sexual partners as slaves instead of lovers. God knows I have this problem though. He knows this is something I've stuggled with since 5th grade. This is something that I will overcome but I need help and without Jesus on my side in this battle I'm fucked (no pun intended). I guess I just keep fighting the good fight from day to day, and there are days I'm gonna win the battle and there are days I'm gonna loose. I just need to give a hell of a lot more effort tomorrow than I did today. I just need to widen the gap of days of when I do look at porn. Eventaully the close I get to Christ the wider the gaps. That's the only way I know it to work. I see myself pulling closer to God as it is. I'm starting to realize that I cannot be without my relationship to God because I will die if I leave it. I HAVE to have it. Without it, I'd go nuts. That is the ONLY way I can go through life. It's been really comforting these last few nights putting on praise and worship while reading my bible and then going to sleep. I have really enjoyed that and I regret leaving my Promise Keepers praise and worship c.d. at church. I don't know what I will use to put myself to sleep but I'll find something. Well folks, it's late and I'll post in the morning after my meeting at school and then maybe again that night. I would really love to Blog my comic reviews for this week and other stuff in my head on comic books.
Adam 10/13/04 11:27 p.m - 11:49 p.m
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