Blog You, You Blogging Blogger!

So another day another wonderfully interesting blog about my life. I think that teaching sunday school went well. I think the kids will think about God more this week than they normally would during their week. At least I hope so. I thought "Since this is sunday school then I will give them homework." So my assingment was to think about a verse that I made them read today at least once this week and to report back to me next week about what they were doing when they thought of it. Every time they would read a verse I would give them candy. But before they got candy I would ask them what they thought that verse meant. I tried to make them think about what they were reading. One kid didn't want to read so I explained what grace was and gave him the candy. I told him that he had an extra homework assignment to display one act of grace this week to someone. I make this all sound pretty plain and boring from the way I am reading my words but it really was a cool thing that happened. I can't wait to hear the kids report back and hopefully this will be a small step to them personalizing God. I'm trying to get them to see that God is outside of church on Sundays and that he can be found if you just reach out to him. It was a nice oppritunity and God really did a good job this morning because I had no clue what to do this morning. Without him I would have been screwed for this morning's lesson. I hope Brianna get's to feeling better but I know that getting over a friend's death is no easy task but I asked Dave how she was doing and he said that certain times of the month, when things happen they appear to be 10x's worse than they really are. Evidently to him, she has maginfied something that is by no means small but it is nothing earth shattering. I don't really know what the deal is but I'm prayin for her. Dave has been wrong on more than one occasion due to misinterpreting female action and maybe he isn't in this case but again as I said, I am not a witness to her actions or to what happened, so I don't know. Man it was nice to be able to put together a collage today. It was a homework assignment for careers class tomarrow but it was fun to do. I got to put a huge picture of Nirvana on there and I have 2 collages in my collage. I got one of Nirvana and blew it up to take one corner and another of the 1989 Batman movie. Both of them are really awesome. I put Beavis and Butt-Head on there and Alice in chains, Soundgarden, Michael Turner's Cover to Identity Crisis #1, a picture of Lewis Black, a picture of Denis Leary early in his career, and then I got a small picture of the Crow and a small picture of the Underwold movie poster. I got those because Batman (1989), The Crow (1994), and Underwold are my 3 favorite movies of all time. I just love dark movies with that style of film and a good sci-fi/action story. Well folks, I'm super tired and I need to go read some comics and go to bed. Night Y'all.
Adam 11/07/04 11:02 p.m. - 11:27 p.m.

Run, You Fool, Run!

Again it was another day. Today was kinda nice cuz I didn't do anything but sit around, eat, masturbate, and play GTA 3. Yeah I'm starting to really like Grand Theft Auto 3 cuz not only was it in virtually perfect condition as a used game but it was only 5 bucks. I feel like I walked into the store, saw it, and walked out of the store without paying for it and no one saying a word. But I mean at 5$ who could say no? I'd pay more to rent it than to buy it. It's a fun game cuz I can go and blow stuff up, go on shooting sprees, kill anyone I want. It's pretty fun. I finally finished Metroid: Prime. I got the minimal 75% completion rate but it was a fun game. Meta-Ridley was pretty hard. I didn't think a flying dragon with metal plating would be easy but when he has like 5% life left is when he beats you down. That was the hardest part for me, was the head to head with him. Finally though after 6 or 7 tries, I beat him. Then there was the boss of all bosses, Metroid Prime. That thing was super hard. It took me 3 or 4 tries but man just getting to the thing was a pain. There is this place that you go to fight it and there is a small path you take. There are these fission metroids that split into 2 after so much damage and they chase you like hemroids on a butt. When you come out of the missle reload station then there are 2 of them chasing you and trying to knock you off platforms into lava and then if you decide to try and kill them instead of avoid them, they turn into 4 metroids. Man that boss though. You constantly have to change your weapons against it. It will turn a certain color meaning you have to change your arm cannon to that color and shoot it with either phazon or lava or the charge beam or even ice beam. It took me a little while to kill that thing then I had to fight it's core essence. That thing produces metroid while you fight it so you got all kinds of the 3 different types of metroids attacking you while you try and kill this thing that shoots circlular wave blasts and goes invisible. Invisibility isn't that much of a problem though because you can either see it on an x-ray visor or the heat scanning visor. It is only vounerable to phazon weapons though. It took me a little bit to figure out that the blast of regular phazon I was shooting it with were reflecting off of it. There are these puddles that it leaves and if you stand in them, then charge your phazon cannon, target it, and then after 3 or 4 blasts of standing in puddles immidiatly left by it, no more boss. Gosh I loved that battle and had such fun with that game. I cannot wait for Metroid: Prime 2 when it comes out next month. I think that's when it comes out. Either then or later this month. It will be a rockin game I'm sure. I would like to get a Gameboy player for the GC so I can play Metroid: Fusion and after beating it, use my friends GBA real quick and load the original Metroid for the old school Nintendo and I could also use the Fusion suit in the Metroid Prime game. I played Metroid Fusion and it was an awesome game. Too bad my emulator kept messing up my save files. That took the fun out of it because there is no way to beat that game in one sitting. Dude I could go on forever on how much I've been getting into video games latley. They are nice because they take my mind off of crap. I found out that I am teaching sunday school tomarrow. I know that God put me into that position but I don't know what for. I will find out tomarrow. I got a lesson on heroes prepared so hopefully God will take control of the class because I am not a very good teacher. I am normally in that class for crowd control simpily because of the age but the normal teacher had a close friend of hers die a several days ago and is in much sorrow. I am praying for her and I plan on having the kids make a card for her near the end of the class. I need to holler at my brothers for not blogging because they said they would but one of them has not blogged since before haloween and the other since election day. I guess they don't have as much free time as me which is not entirely a bad thing but I still wish that they would blog more often. Man I wrote 2 emails to Marvel Comics today because they added this thing on their site to where you put your email adress and your name and you could post some comments to whoever reads that crap I guess. I wrote one that was pretty harsh about how one of the mini-series had 3 major holes and how they needed to be more consistant with putting out their titles. They have 3 mini series that are 6 issues each and have not finished them. One of them was released in 2002 and has yet to finish. They are only on issue 3. There are 2 others that have only relased 1 issue but one was in 2003 and the other was this past summer. I would like to see them end soon but hey what are ya gonna do? I complained but right after that, I felt bad for how harsh I was so I wrote another one telling them that they were doing a good job in other areas beacuse Marvel is the company I mainly buy from but what I get from D.C. as a whole is a lot better. My ratio of good titles to bad titles are greater with D.C. than with Marvel. I must say though, that one of the best titles I'm getting is Daredevil and it's unique art and coloring style along with its supurb insainly good storys just rock. I have only gotten one issue of that title that I didn't like and that was only because it was an art jam. Usually when there are a ton of artists making one comic, the story take a back seat and normally really sucks. That was the case with this one. It was DD's 65th issue and 60th anniversary I think and they pretty much summed up from what I had been reading onto now with the last 2 pages building story for the next issue. Then in the next issue it was really cool. They went from now to black and white to show that it was a dude thinking upon a memory, then they went to old school 60's style with tan paper and stand out pixles and then back to current time. It was a really good issue as well as innovative because it held decent story and messed around with the coloring a lot to help enhance it. Well folks that's my rambeling about my hobbies for today. I could talk endlessly about the things I love. Comic books are just one of the few. See ya tomarrow and sorry for forgetting to blog yesterday.
Adam 11/06/04 11:40 p.m. - 12:22 a.m.

When I Look Into Your Cries

Man what a day. I think there is a girl at school who likes me. In fact I think there is more than one. I find that very disturbing to me. Only because a girlfriend would do nothing but distract me and bother me at this point in life. There was a time when I would have loved this but that time is no longer now. Now I find that having a girlfriend would just bother the hell out of me. What really sucks is that one girl that I think likes me is really creepy cuz she was all following me and looking at me strange. I just hope it was a passing moment of horniness that will not carry over into the future. There is another girl who says hi and waves to me all the time and I don't even do that with my friends at school. Well I know that holds as much water as planes crash because of pickles but her friend was looking at me and pointing at me like "WTF? Him?" then she waved to me and left. Oh well whatever happens I guess I'll just move on. If anyone asks me anything I'll just shut them down with my emotionally detached coldness. Although the creepy girl did ask me for my cell phone # and I thanked God at that moment that I didn't have a cell phone. It seems the creepy girl and 2 of her friends have some type of attraction to me because they have all made comments about me in which they say I'm so cool or something to that effect. 2 of them are cool but that group is pretty goth. That group is also pretty shallow and flat. It seems to me that they have somehow looked in few places for happiness and are in the process of looking inward at their own pain and exploring the depths of that for happiness. I went through that and it almost killed me because I quit dealing with my pain, which in mid stages if left undelt with can turn into depression, and started feeding it. I only fed it in late stages and then I tried to get away with it with a knife. I did have a really good conversation today though. I had a cool spiritual conversation with a Mormon kid today and this kid is hardcore. He is brain washed super well by the church and his parents. I tried to build a spiritual base today and I doubt it is fully built but more conversations are sure to keep building it. He is one of the most conservative person that I've ever met. He makes my dad look like a socialist. This kid gets mad all the people who curse and is very much a loner. We do have common ground though, COMPUTERS. He is a geek and I am a nerd/geek. He is kinda cool but his uptightness annoys the crap out of me and his lack of smiling is just irritating. Maybe I can get the guy to loosen up more if I'm lucky. I've tried a lot to get him to keep an open mind when it comes to God as well. I told him that God uses us most when ever we try and expand our comfort zones and that the more we seek after God, the more he will shape us and mold us. He seemed to agree so maybe I can get him to see that there are more things we agree on than he realizes.
Well y'all I am freakin tired. I'll talk to y'all later. Adam 11/04/04 10:14 p.m. - 10:40 p.m.

The Day the Earth Stood and Said "What the *&)*^!"

Man it is pretty late for me and I am very tired. I want to go to bed soon. But for my faithfuls out there who care about my world, I had to fill y'all in on my day. It was a boring one. I got up, went to school, got comics, and went to church. Today was a good week for comics. I got the final issue of Michael Turner's Batman/Superman run. It will be sad to see him leave the title because he is such an amazing artist. It is nice to see him bring back a Supergirl who is Kryptonian though. It is nice to see them hopefully not screw around anymore with the Supergirl character. After 3 different ones since '87, I'm hoping to see one that will stick around for a while. I got the end of the Avengers Dissasemble today and it was a week of endings in comics. Avengers was crazy because normally I can pick up on mysteries fairly early and nail whodunnit. This wasn't the case this time. The whole 4 part story, which starts in a Avengers #500, take place over 1 day and in that day 4 teammates die, everyone who was ever an Avenger EVER comes to the hq, they are attacked by aliens, Dr. Strange comes and pays them a visit, and all this happens because of a betrayal of a teammate. She-Hulk went crazy also and ripped apart the android Vision. That whole series was pretty crazy and it was one of the best stories I've read in a long, long time. Probally since 2002-2003's Batman: Hush. I won't even get into what that story was like. I say even if you don't know or like Batman, you will like that story just because of how good of a mystery it is. In that mystery I nailed whodunnit right on the head in part 4 or 5 and I went back and read it again. It always cool the things you pick up in the 2nd reading of things because you know how they will effect the story and you see things being foreshadowed that you didn't see before. You sit and go "Oh I should have seen this because this contributes to..." I can't wait till next week because of the mystery of Identity Crisis. This is the event of the year in comics because they have killed 2 important people in the lives of super-heroes. The murderer goes for the loved ones of heroes as opposed to the hero themselves. Everyone is involved in this story so far. They have from the Outsiders all the way to the JLA and even the Doom Patrol. Gosh I love comics. I could go on and on for eons about how good of a year this year is for comics and how good comics have been this past week alone. Comics really are my passion and the whole reason for getting into that industry is because I only pick up what I think the good stuff is and that I am too often wrong. It turns out that only about 25% of what I get is really good. I want to up that percentage when I become a writer. I want people to go "Messinger is on this title! It must be good if he is writing it." And I want to not let them down. I want to do this for the fans and give them what they really want. The only reason I want to be a writer is for the fans. Being one myself I think I know what they want but I'm not everyone so I don't know. Well it's 11:00 but I am really tired. Night y'all.
Adam 11/03/04 10:37 p.m. - 11:04 p.m.

Crack Infected Water Bottle

Well I actually missed my blog last night. Usually I conciouslly know that I have but last night was my first time just plain forgetting about it. A friend of mine was doing his and reminded me of not doing mine. I had to go to bed early last night because I had to get up early this morning. I got up at 5 to go to Cal-State Monterey. We left at like 7:00 p.m. from school on a 3 hour trip of sheer hell. The trip itself was hell because of how rambunctious my group was but the college was very convincing. It was very tepmting of an offer. I'll go into detail about it some tomarrow but for now, I am very tired and I would like to go to bed. Just letting you guys know that I'm still out there. Oh and mom, dad, NEVER READ MY BLOG AGAIN. The last thing you guys need is a cheat sheat into my head and to screw me over with it.
Adam 11/02/04 11:26 p.m. - 11:33 p.m.

Death To The Air Breathing Fish

Sometimes I wish I were the man without fear. Not freakin' Evil Kenivel or even any stunt man for that matter. I wish I were Daredevil. That guy is blind and only has his enhanced sense to work off of. He does have a type of radar vision that helps him see just outlines of objects around him, but that's about it. He jumps from buildings and swings from poles with a billy club. He can't really tell what all is in front of him but he can hear things no one else can and smell the itallian kitchen's pizza from 15 blocks away. He hears people's heartbeats and can tell if they are lying. He lost his father but that guy has more people around him that care about him than a t.v. has aired shows. It would be nice to be able to releave stress by beating the crap out of super-villians. I'm a big daredevil fan and one day I hope to be a super-hero to people. Anonmous man doing random acts of justice and kindness.
Adam 10/31/04 10:33 p.m. - 10:45 p.m.

Rocks Pounding Against the Waves

Today was another day and a hard one at that. I am worn out right now and in the process I actually did my p.e. homework. I worked non-stop from about 7:30 a.m. - 3:00 p.m. Then I took a break from celing tile replacing and hopped on my puter. It that was nice. I got to listen to some BNL, and then Dover, Ben Folds, and then some Smashing Pumkins and then searched for some techno. About 5:30 p.m. I went out and did reverse trick-or-treat in which I took candy from a baby. What we were doing was handing out candy for trick or treat instead of taking it tomarrow and handing out a flier. We stopped at one house where a baby went to take the candy from me as I held it out for him and his mother had told him to say please for it. Well he went to take it and the bag slightly backed up. I wasn't sure how mom was gonna react to him not saying please and the child looked, to me anyway, to be about 2 or 3. Turns out she said that was his way of saying please and then the child said it and I handed him the bag. I felt bad afterward about it. There really isn't anything I could do now but just move on and chawk it up as another mistake to learn from. I did have some good conversations with people in the houses we stopped by. One guy, John, was sitting outside smoking and we told him what we were doing and handed him a flier. He called his grandson of about 4 or 5 and we gave him candy. It was cool because after that he just started chatting with us about casual stuff for about 10 minutes. He was very receptive and a funny guy at that. I hope to see him there tomarrow because that dude was awesome. He talked to us about snake handlers and how crazy the penacostal churches were. Obviously he had some bad experiances there from the way he talked about them. He refered to the snake handling churches as "Penacostal Snake Churches". About that time his either girlfriend or daughter walked into their apartment and passed us. "Don't tell them stories." She remarked kindly yet playfully to him. "Oh don't believe that." She must have heard what we were talking about or a portion of it. "I saw it on the Discovery Channel." He replied smartly to her. "Hey man, it's on Fridays at 11." He turned and said to me and Loc as she walked in. He was a very interesting character and a polite guy who seems to know a lot about the world he lives in but I cannot make too much of a judgement since I only spent about 10 or 15 minutes with the guy. He said he was looking for a church. It would be nice to see him tomorrow. It was funny because at one apartment complex there was an asian lady stitting outside the whole time hawking us to see what we were doing. She didn't take her eyes off of us for a second. She watched strictly as we went around to every apartment. We tried to give her and and granddaughter candy but she kept saying no. That was untill her granddaughter's eyes lit up and explained what we were doing to her in what ever language she speaks. Then she took some and said thank you. Man, I walked a lot today. We must have walked for 2 hours or maybe even more just in the tiny area around my church. We covered about 3 or 4 apartment complexes and with all the combined work it was exaughsting but it was way worth it but it was fun. I will talk to y'all later because fun comes with a consequence. In this case it is exaughstion.
Adam 10/30/04 9:45 p.m. - 10:15 p.m.

Surfing the web while drinking amonia

Today was a pretty good day, y'all. I got to clean the house and I kinda like cleaning as much as I dispise it because I feel I'm getting something done but in truth I may be but it isn't getting me anywhere. I went to school today and that was way cool. I did filmed an audition yesterday for "The Ultimates" DVD cartoon. I'm going to send it in Monday becasuse that is the deadline. I tried out for Iron Man and Giant Man so I am sending two packages. My video production teacher and a friend of mine were editing the footage from yesterday when I walked in. I watched myself on film and talk about weird. It was very strange because I hate the way I sound outside of when I'm talking. To have my voice talk back to me and to know that's what everyone hears all the time is irritating. But they tell me I did a good job and I got some tips from my friend, the drama teacher, before I went in and he said I would do really well so I am trusting others on how I did as opposed to myself. One thing I have always done is gauge my talent on how others think I can do something. I ask a lot of people if I do one thing well and go with the majority. If the majority think I have talent in that area then I excel at it. If not then I move on to pursue other things that I have talent at. I think by asking other and finding out from them what I am good at will help me in the long run because then I can decide my profession and if a lot of people tell me I'm good at it then there will be other people in other areas, important areas of the profession who think I will do well. That is one of the reasons I want to become a writer. I love to do it and many people such as friends, teachers, and my parents say that my writing stands out in such a way that I could be noticed by many others and become popular perhaps. Well at any rate we tried to burn the auditon on a dvd today and the audio was all screwy and it sounded like me being possessed and giving a speech of doom. Now I have to go buy vhs tapes and get the auditons on that. Well folks that's about it for my day and mind. I will see ya'll tomarrow.
Adam 10/29/04 11:22 p.m. - 11:36 p.m.

Carving "Slayer" in Your Arm

From now on I've just decided to give my titles weird, crazy and irrelivent names for my blogs. All this simpily because it's fun and creative and stupid all at the same time. Man today rocked because I got 6 more comics. That's a total of 16 or 17 comic books in 2 days. I havn't read them all yet but I hope they are good. I was dissapointed in Superman's title today because in the story line Superman has figured out something and Batman and Wonder Woman know's what he has figured out and evidently it's really bad according to their reactions. The reader is the only one left out of the loop though and that is really just a "What the hell?" moment when you get to the end of the book and they are talking about what Superman's doing when supposedly you have been following his actions for however long and they bring up something that YOU don't know it's just like "What the hell? How did they figure out something that I didn't. I've been following this mother fucker for however long and he says a few words to Batman, another bad dude in the story says something to Wonder Woman, and all of a sudden something clicks in their brain that they know and talk to eachother about using 'it' and 'that' to refer to what they are talking about but won't state what actually is going on? I feel jipped and left out here." Man that is frustrating. Why even bother to say that they have figured it out because when they show what it is in next months issue, I'm gonna feel stupid for not figuring it out. As a writer your job is to take the reader away from reality, not to make him feel like a jackass by leaving out detail that characters within the story know and you don't. Oh well. I'm gonna try to make my readers think, not feel like morons. Man I had a good prayer time today with my friend Bill. Then I went and looked at porno. I need to stop and I will eventually. I plan on making eventually tomarrow. It hurts my character and it really isn't who I want to be in the long term. I don't really think about the long term when I do it though. All I really think about is what gets me off at the time. Tomarrow I'm gonna stop. No porno tomarrow. I will blog if I do or don't tomarrow and let ya'll know if I acoplished my goal for tomarrow. Oh by the way. I'm posting my homework on my blog.
Strengths:
1 - Writing (i.e. look above and if the writing sucks then you can shove it and spelling dosen't count cuz I know I can't speel)
2 - Counceling (i.e. my friends have always come to me with their problems before anyone else most of the time)
I'll post the other 3 or 4 tomarrow.
Adam 10/28/04 10:01 p.m. - 10:20 p.m.

See down

I've added a second part to "With The Lights Out". By the way I named it that for 2 reasons.
1: I was at my friends house when all the lights went out that night.
2: Nirvana has a box set with the same name coming out 11/27/04 so PRE ORDER IT OR BUY IT WHEN IT COMES OUT!!!!! all great music.
Adam 10/27/04 11:13 p.m. - 11:16 p.m.

Interlude

Here I am today. I had to blog this morning because I couldn't last night. If y'all get a chance, go to www.bobrivers.com because he is a Seattle radio dj who parodies and he is hecka funny. I will contune my thing on "With the lights out" in a few hours because I just wanted to see if I could get in this morning. I found out some good news last night. I'm going to be taking driving classes in December to get my learners permit because the state thinks that before I get my permit I must take some classes before I take my test to get my permit. Well folks I'll talk to y'all in a little bit.
Adam 10/27/04 9:46 a.m. - 9:55 a.m.

With The Lights Out

What's up readers??? Nothin' here. I thought it was time to put in some good time tonight on my Blog. It was pretty weird to get a comment from someone I didn't know on my Ventalation blog. Thanks, it's nice to know that there are more people than I thought reading my mind.
I went to school today and it was cool. I had Senior Careers class and that was pretty boring. I just sat there being me and had fun without anywork to be done today since we had a sub. Had a nice long conversation with the dude sitting next to me about Todd McFarlane and his contribution to the comic book industry. I said I wanted to be a writer for Marvel but he replied "Why not be a writer for Image(Comics)." I explained that I would then have to have my own artist and pretty much work under myself with only them publishing my material. That would suck because I don't have the self-dicipline to do that yet. My next class was Creative writing and that is always a fun class. I was told to write about a picture I had. I wrote about my exgirlfriend and the hellacious relationship that drained my insides and replaced them after 9 months. I thought I had gotten over most of my pain and suffering out of that relationship. The first time I bawled my eyes out since my grandparents dided was the time I realized I had lost her forever and let her go. I wrote about 2 and half pages and still was not done with the story. My teacher always has us read to her our writing and I almost cried reading what I had wrote because it brought back all the pain. I had pretty much just flicked and poked a scar making it a little sore again for 2 and a half pages. I lollygagged while writing it because I really didn't want to. At first I thought it was because I was being lazy but then I got brutally honest with myself and reconized that it was because it hurt so much writing all this, that I just didn't want to go throught it all again but I knew I had to work throught the pain and focus on what good came out of it because I learned and grew tons. I matured and have entered into the process of becoming a man. Tomarrow I will post what I wrote and maybe I will add some stuff to finish it. I will post a part 2 to this tomarrow because I have my father nagging at me to go to bed so I must respect his wishes. See ya'll tomarow.
Adam 10/25/04 10:45 p.m. - 11:05 p.m.

Part 2
My exgirlfriend was and is a horrible person. She manipulated me and lied to me. She does this to most people that come across her path. I've seen how she uses her illness of bipolar to her advantage to do just about anything. She is very sick due to this mental illness also because of the many times she would become suicidal just in our relationship. After putting up with this and not realizing what all this was about made me change. It grew me and matured me because one thing I've learned physically and emotionally is that the greater amount of pain you go through the stronger you become from it and the better you can handle pain in the future if it is below you current tolerance. When I was in wrestling in 7th grade I cried about every little cut and bruise and pain and ache. I was a little pussy because I couldn't handle pain at all and even a slight flick to me would hurt. During 8th grade year a fellow student decided that he would punch me in the shoulder everyday and I never really cared. He would leave deep bruises and to me, it never really hurt. Yeah there was a day where enough was enough because the concept got old so I hit him back but it was never because it hurt. In 8th grade I lost my fragility physically due to hard pain conditioning. My relationship with my ex was like emotional conditioning so I could come out on the other side with a new limit to my threshold for pain and stress. I had a lot of pain going into our relationship because of the move and lonliness and in that I thought she would be the one to give me love. Well she didn't give me love but at least I got plenty of blow jobs out of it. They were never worth all the fights we had about if she really loved me or not or how I could help her feel better. Her bipolar was such a hard thing for me because there were day's she didn't want no one to touch her or hold her and I was a VERY physical person. I needed her touch and her kisses. When she told me to get the heck away from her I would take it personally when I shouldn't have and would say stupid and spiteful things. Then I would try my best to make her feel bad in instances when she didn't want to do something I wanted to. My ex was and is a horrible person. I was every bit as bad, I was manipulative in a different way. I was a little boy and therefore manipulated as child does his parents. Eventually when she broke up with me for the first time I tried to commit suicide. If I hadn't of then it would have happend eventually. She broke up with me claiming she wanted freedom. I had never felt so alone or so... just black. That is really how I felt. Black. I was an empty void. The strain of her that I wanted so badly combined with my lonliness and my deplacientness was just so bad that I didn't want to live. I didn't want tohave anything to do with a world this hopeless. After I got out of the phyciatric hospital I had never felt so high or good in my life. I guess it's a wonder what pills and people who can relate can do. Not only that but she said that she realized how much of a mistake she had made. So I got her back. Then later that week she broke up with me and then she blew me not 10 min later. Man talk about confusing. I didn't care thought. I was just happy that all was well. Then after she went to the mental hospital she broke up with me claiming to be a lesibain. Something which she sticks to this day but she said she wanted me back the next week. I think it was a month after that, I realized the we wern't going to get married like she said and we had planned and we wern't going to have children. There were several more times we broke up and got back together. At that point I had let go and was no longer emotionally attached but I really liked the head. I still miss it to this day but the trouble to get it back is not worth it and I realize it complicated things in our relationship that didn't needed to be complicated. I am very much looking foreward to a more simple relationship when it comes to future female relationships. To look at how different life was then and how it is now is just very... well it's better. I have a relationship with Jesus now and that has made the biggest difference for me and made life 10x's better, heck infinite times better than it would have been. Now I have friends and family that I love deeply and have much better relationships with. I was a sophmore and now I'm about to leave high school. Life is better because I've pretty much cut her out of my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. I hope to never see her again and I don't care if I ever talk to her again. To me there is nothing in there but pain and hurt and I don't need that confusion or fickleness. I am a whole person now and I am content with what I have and content with being single. It would be nice to have someone to cuddle with or kiss or hug everyonce in a while but I don't need one. I do miss not having someone to do that with but I will survive just fine without one. I am something I never was in that relationship. Happy and contenit. Peace out, and I'm prayin for you John.
Adam 10/27/04 10:33 p.m. - 11:10 p.m.

Everything To Everyone

I really like this song and to me, the lyrics are very sybolic and representitive of our culture and how we are as a society so I decided to post the lyrics as tonights blog. And partly because I need to go to sleep and have not the time for a good blog.

Everything To Everyone by Everclear
You put yourself in stupid places
Yes I think you know it's true
Situations where it's easy to look down on you
I think you like to be the victim
I think you like to be in pain
I think you make yourself a victim almost every single day

You do what you do
You say what you say
You try to be everything to everyone
You know all the right people
You play all the right games
You always try to be everything to everyone

Yeah you do it again
You always do it again

You say they taught you to read and write
Yeah they taught you how to count
I say they tought you how to buy and sell your own body by the pound
I think you like to be their simple toy
I think you love to play the clown
I think you are blind to the fact that the hand you hold is the hand that holds you down

Spin around and fall down
Do it again
You stumble and fall
Yeah why don't you ever learn
Spin around and fall down
Do it again
Come on now
Do that stupid dance for me
You do what you do
You say what you say
You try to be everything to everyone
You jump through the big hoop
You play all the right games
You try to be everything to everyone
Spin around and fall down
Do it again
You stumble and you fall
Yeah you do it again
Spin around and fall down
Do it again
You stumble and you fall


Adam 10/24/04 10:26 p.m. - 10:33 p.m.

Ventilation

Blogging time again. And this time I'm pretty pissed. I went to a youth rally tonight at Michigan Hights. There was a movie they showed that just reinforced how much the christian community over emphasizes that "lost" people are going to hell. It makes me mad because THEY GET THE POINT ALREADY!!!! Jesus was not about scare tactics although he talked about hell but the point of his death was not only to keep people out of there but to give people a gateway to have a relationship with God. It really makes me angry how often and how cliche christians sit and scream "You're going to hell so get saved." It just got me riled up. I was depressed going in there (which made no sense because I have no reason to be) and now I'm just plain irritated which is a classic symptom of depression, easy irritation. I wasn't just irritated I was immiensly frustrated and angy. I think there is something deeper here but as I say I don't know what. God has something he wants to show me through all of this I'm sure of it. Because I can't see the futre I don't know what. I have spent gaps in writing talking with my dad about some of this and his sermon this past Sunday and he told me it was unbiblical to vote Kerry. I tried to use an argument a friend of mine used and I said "God could tell you that to see if you would obey him." He replied with "God wouldn't tell you do something that is against his word because Bush stands for Godly principles and Kerry supports abortion and civil union" Anyway guys there is something underlying as to why I am being the way I am right now and please pray that God reaveals it to beacuse I'm in a world of hurt and confusion right now.
Adam 10/23/04 9:18 p.m. - 10:41 p.m.

Almost No

Dude I almost forgot to blog. I was sitting in my room and I was thinkin all kindsa stuff and then I realized that I didn't blog. So a quarter sleepy, I go to the computer and here I am. I'm sleepy but I'm here. I wonder what to say though... Oh my friend Berto is turning 18 tomarrow and his mom is throwing him a party with just him and his close friends so me and him our friend Marcel are gonna spend the night at his house tomarrow. I don't know where all 3 or more of us are gonna sleep but I guess we're spending the night. I know what I'm gonna get him too. I'm gonna burn him a bunch of Comedy C.Ds with like Robin Williams and Lewis Black and stuff. Berto ain't the brightest guy but I hope he understands the political stuff. He ain't the brightest guy but what he lacks in intelligence he makes up for in child like imagination and creativeness as well as just how nice and loyal the guy is. I can't think of anyone hardly at all as nice and loyal as him. He's one of the few friends who will stand by me even when I'm as wrong as can be and all the others have abonded me. In order to get to go to this shindig of his I gotta get up in about 6 or 7 hrs to help mom clean the house because Dad is having an Experiencing God class. Man today was good. I wasn't depressed today and it was nice. In fact I got a ton of comics today. I screwed up and acidentally picked out a double for a B-Day present of mine. I talked my parents into a 24 pt crossover that last's for three months for my B-Day and it ends this month. While picking out my B-Day comics this week I over looked what part it was and saw a title I knew was in the series and saw an unfamiliar cover. It was the newest on the rack and was sitting out with all that came in this week so I gotta call Al's and Grapevine when I wake up to see if they have the latest issue in. A comic I've been reading is called Powerless and it's through the eyes of a phycatrist. This phycatrist just came out of a coma in which he dremt (but not for sure) about the marvel universe. We see every major character of marvel put into a realistic perspective. Wolverine is an actual agent of the government and the government gave him weapons that have claws instead of actual interal claws and he is just a highly trained black ops agent who gains conciousness from mind control that they gave him so he would kill. Then Spider-Man is just a kid who works for Tony Stark (aka Iron Man). He is friends with Gwen Stacy and Harry Osborn and Mary Jane. He tries to tell them that Harry's dad, Norman, has been stalking him so he would get the Iron Man Armor secrets. It also turns out that Norman has been given pill for skytzophrenia. Norman has missed a pill or two...Okay so he hasn't used them at all but he has the bottle to start when he wants! Then there is Daredevil and so far that fool is just a blind lawyer who gets the crap beat out of him by people hired by the Kingpin after he accuses him, on the stand, of leading orgaized crime. Oddly enough Matt Murdock (aka Daredevil) is the lawyer for Frank Castle, who kills some people after his family has been murdered before his eyes. Sound familar? I'm probally boring the crap out yall readin but it really is a good story and one of the few I would reccomend to anyone...so far. It's only on issue 4 of 6 and it could very well turn to crap by issue six. I've seen it done by many other great story telles so you never know. Well folks I'm sleepy.
Adam 10/22/04 12:52 a.m. - 1:16 a.m.

Today and What's Not So Much Left of It

Wow today was depressing not a specific thing was depressing but just the whole day in general was a big depressed mess for me. I think I'm about to start learing new things about life and I think I'm about to have some growing pains. I don't know why but that's just a guess. I felt this way right before my life changed and while it was changing and I was going through some growing pains which was for about a year and a half. I don't know how long it will be this time but I think I'm in for some major changes but as I said I have no evidence other than depression to back this up and I very well(to my delight) could be wrong. I wonder where God is taking my life? I screwed up today and looked at porno and I did yesterday too. I just gotta go on for tomarrow is another day. I regret it, I'm sorry I did it and I admit that I screwed up and I just gotta learn from my mistakes. The days go on thought and just gotta keep pushin. Being depressed pulls me away from God most of all and everything else. When I'm depressed it's hard to talk to him and it's hard to worship and I must keep my mentality of "Need It To Survive" when it comes to spending daily time with God. I am in a funk and I don't know what to do exactally to get out, especially since I don't know what I did to get myself in it. I am finding latly that I am missing the company of a woman. I seemed to have really started missing it within the last two weeks. I also know that this is not a good time at all for me to get into a relationship. In fact it is probally one of the worst times because I will rush things too fast and just not think right. It would do nothing but screw me up. The more I miss it the more I know that I would not be able to handle myself in most scenarios with her and me alone. I know of a girl I could hook up with but she is a heffor and I need not to be desperate. I think if my way of thinking and my mood does not change within two weeks I will need to pay a visit to two of my good friends Art and Doc Ozden. I need to get an appointment with Doc Ozden anyhow to discuss my medication. Well folks another exciting view on what is going on in my head. Keep me in your prayers.
Adam 10/20/04 10:50 p.m. - 11:10 p.m.

Midnght Story

Here was a writing I was spontaniously inspired to write:

In the dark I speak with silence. I don't know why but I do. No one can see me but there is something about the blackness that keeps me to a minimal roar. The only thing that is visible in lightless areas is sound. Sounds are either soothing or frightning in those areas of life. I try to make mine as soothing as can be for those who are in the dark because soothing sounds are what attract people and animals alike. Some things that are hideous emit the soothing and peacful sonic waves to attract people. Whenever the light is shone on the them they are exposed for what they really are dispite what they sound like. Some people stay by these soothing and comforting sounds all their lives and never shine a light on them. Some people go where there are hideous sounds to shine lights to see if what is emmiting that sound is as horrifing as the sound itself. Only the bravist and boldest explore these things so that they can warn or inform others that they pass of their findings. Some people who stay by the truly consistantly soft yet soothing sounds stay to try and imitate these sounds. They imitate because they see what is the orgin of this sound and how beautiful it really is when the light is shone on it and they want to be just like this. There are a small minority who side with the truly hideous in order to scare and strike fear into passerby. There are a small minority of people who when they stop by sounds they are given a new light. When they shine this new light they see things differently as to when they would shine their orignial light that they were given. There was a fault with the original light because sometimes it would shine on things and give it a distorted look. No one knew that it gave objects distorted looks untill they recived this new light because if you see something the same way over and over with the same light then you begin to think that it actually looks like that but what you see is not always nessicarily what is there. See when you stopped by what was making this sound there would be an offer of a new light and you could decline or accept. There were other stops that offered new lights too but they would only distort things more. I have been witness to how this place works and how things go about for 17 years. I have found a spot of orgin of how I got in this place and it is the same place that I recived my new light. People who find their true spot of orgin by shining their light on things frequently and listening as closly as they can to distict sounds will find the new light that gives clear view on everything. Sometimes it may take a little bit for things to foucus but with patients it will all come into clarity. I have this light and I flash it on all that makes sound without predudice as to what type of sound. I may have shone my light on you. You may have shone your light on me. I watch so many people refuse to use their light and as I shine my light on them I get no reaction. They move around this darkness aimlessly and oblivious to the fact that they have a light. I have told you all this as my first words because as I said I remain silent. This is my first speech and I give it to this place know as the world. I say as loudly as I can, use your light because without it you will remain in darkness forever. If you want a light with clarity I will point it out to you for I try my best to emit soothing sounds so I can inform people of my findings. Do not be another person who goes around aimlessly and pointlessly because then you just become another obstacle to get around in the dark.

Adam 10/20/04 10:28 p.m. - 12:05 a.m.

Cabin Fever

Well I've diagnosed the cause of my depression as lack of interaction with the outside world. I in other words, I'm suffering from cabin fever. I am still a little depressed today but not as much as I was yesterday. I was just really melon collie. So in order to nurse my wounds I am listing to Nirvana's In Utero album. I love that album and I have not listend to it in forever and it has really comforted me. I am starting to think also that I have a seasonal mood disorder because about this time last year I became down a little bit for about 3 months. I was guessing from the lack of sunshine or what not. Now I am just flat depressed and it came up out of nowhere with no rhyme or reason. I am a detective and in my mind if you find the root of the problem then that is where you take action to solve it and right now I am trying to establish what is the root of my depression. For now Nirvana is providing me with a sonic nutrient bath to help sooth things for me. So right now I am trying to get parental approval to hang out with one of my friends who might pick me up in a little bit. Moving on to other things, on Sunday I had to talk to my friend Bill about what I had seen in church. He said he thought God was shaping me into a leader and one thing he said was "Good leaders are often good at taking orders." or something to that effect and one thing I know about myself is that if you tell me to do something, for the most part I am all for it. I am very good at taking orders. So I don't know what God has in store for me but I got the feeling that I am instore for a crazy adventure. Well I've gotta get back to school work. Later
Adam 10/19/04 1:57 p.m. - 2:23 p.m.

Mammaw

There once was a very important person in my life. She had white hair of cotton and was very short and ponchy. She was very sweet and kind in her words and her actions. She didn't have much money but what she did have gladly went to either food, her family, or others. This person was my grandma, otherwise known to me as Mammaw. I loved Mammaw very very much but she is gone now. She has been gone for a little over than 5 years now but for some reason I seem to miss her quite a bit today. She was a Godly lady and was firm in what she stood for but soft as a pillow. When I was a little child she would hold me in her arms of kindness and sing to me. "Who's that little doggie in the window?" She would sing in an elderly and fragle voice. She had three grandchildren and she always seemed to show me favor for some reason. I was a wretched and selfish child who only cared about himself and how he could manipulate others to give him what he want. I took advantage of her kind spirit and was very mean to her sometimes during the end of her life. Right before I discovered she only had a set number of months left did I choose to accomidate her as opposed to myself. I often wish and daydream that I can go back in time and warn myself of events and slap some intelligence into myself. If I could I would tell my self first about that period of time. I would tell me not to take advantage of her ever. I would try to broaden my view in life and turn it outward instead of inward. She was the nicest person I ever met and I miss her. I wish I would have taken the time to get to know her better. I would very much give anything to spend a little bit of time with her now. In 9th grade, when I first moved to Kalifornia, and into about half of my 10th grade year I went through a very bad depression. There were times I felt like I were the only person in the world. Like I was a ghost among the tangible world and I would go around seeing people live there lives but they couldn't or wouldn't see me. One of the thoughts I would use to comfort myself would be one of my grandma holding me saying "Now dear, don't cry. It'll all be alright" Thinking of it now almost brings me to tears. Ironic, isn't it? See today I have been pretty depressed and I don't know why. I wasn't yesterday or the day before. Ever since I woke up I have been in a depressed state. Maybe it's because I'm sick. Maybe it's because I went to bed at 1 a.m. yesterday. Maybe it's because I didn't go to school today, or perhaps it's caused by lack of communicaion with God even though I've tried to keep a regualr time of talk with him and read my bible. I can't tell. I really can't. I just know that I need to get my act together tomarrow and hope things get better because that's all I can do. Untill tomarrow.
Adam 10/19/04 11:39 p.m. - 12:05 a.m.

pointless

well folks I had some stuff written but I lost it all when I tried to put a picture in and disable my pop up blocker to do that. (Long story) Since I lost all of that and it's 1 am I'm just gonna put some pictures up and hope you enjoy.

My Day

Howdy again. It is that time of the night. The time when I blog about whatever is on my mind at the time. I told everyone when I woke up that I would inform you about the rest of my day. It was pretty adverage. I watched a lot of T.V. and ate and then played a solid 3 hrs. of Mortal Kombat: Deception. I am addicted to konquest mode even though it can be repetitive and boring. There are so many fetch tasks and side quests for money that you are always distracted from the main goal and of the story of Shujinko. One thing about it thought is that there are tons of tresure chests in the different realms. I am trying to find all of them that I can and the realms are huge so that in itself keeps me busy. The treasure chests carry either large sums of koins or keys to various koffins in the krypt. The koffins have hidden characters, hidden puzzle fighters, hidden levels, and other stuff that makes the game more enjoyable and so far I haven't even unlocked half of the koffins. Finally I had to stop playing because my dad wanted to head over to church so we could pick up some stuff to carry over to our temporary worship center. While I was there I realized that my family from Reflection was there. (Reflection is my other church in which I attend) I didn't know at first why exactally they were there but then my dad told me they were having their first paintball meeting. I then remeber when "Captain" Bill had announced it on Sunday. J.R. was the driving force behind it and think that it is awesome for him to find something to sink his teeth into so quickly after moving here. While that thought was in my mind, J.R. came up to me wondering how long I had planned on staying. I told him since I was feeling bad I wasn't planning on staying for the meeting. He then took me to his car and said that he had something for me. I figured it was something about paintball like some prices or a magazine on gear and guns. What he pulled out surpised me and stunned me. He got me a book called "How to Draw the Marvel Way" which came with some pencils and pens and pretty much showed you how to draw comic characters. I never in a million years would have thought that he would have done that. For one, I've only known him for about a month or so. Maybe longer but not much. For two, I didn't see him as that type of person, in fact I've seen him quite the opposite but then again I've only gotten aquainted with some of his exterior personallity. Most importantly it showed, to me, that he had accepted me as friend and that he had grown a great deal spiritualy. That single act of kindness showed me so many things about him. I cannot draw worth anything and I am a horrible artist, but I plan on using what he gave me. It meant a great deal to me, especially since I've been sick. He didn't give it to me because of that, I don't think he even knew I was sick but for him to think about me while going about his day and say "Hey, I think Adam would like this." touched me deeply. Yeah that may sound gay or cheesy or what not, but it meant a lot. There really isn't a way to segway into what happend next but I hopped into the car and left. About 5 miles into the trip I realized my backpack was still at the church and I had homework in it I needed to do. So we turned around and I walked in the church laughing at the comment my dad had made when I hopped out about "When your're 40, and mother has passed away, I'm gonna have you take me crusing for chicks". I had just caught Bill and the rest of my family leaving. It was kinda nice to see them and I was glad to see Carissa not limping as badly as she had been due to her knee. So I quickly exchanged words of conversation with them and my father and I drove off to go get dinner. That is when I got home, ate and did the pages in my school booklet. That all leads me to here and now. Now that I look back on it, it wasn't a horrible day but I do need to be more productive wether I'm sick or not. Untill tomarrow folks! When I'll blog on something cool like punk rock ethics or our countries cultural stagnetism and our societies uncreativity in being different.
Adam 10/16/04 11:16 p.m. - 11:57 p.m.

Today and What's Left of It

Howdy ya'll. I just woke up and it's 1:25 p.m. Man I am sicker than a dog who ate 10 lbs. of chocolate. Wel...maybe not THAT sick but I feel pretty bad. It is day 3 or 4 of the illness. I think allergies are turning into a sinus infection but I am not sure. Mom left for Golden Valley last night on a women's retreat and I only have me to take care of me right now. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad but he dosen't have the tender care that God usually gives mothers. It's just not the same when dad tries to take care of me as opposed to mom. Although I'm starting to wonder if mom knows 100% what she's doing because she gave me something that stopped up my runny nose. That in itself is not bad but she gave me 2 or 3 of them and now I cannot breathe out of my nostrels. Oh well, the day goes on and I have to at least be concious for the rest of today. I was supposed to go to church today and help fix up, so I got up at 7:00 and got in the shower like I was told. I got out of the shower still feeling the same as when I got up, which was very bad, and went back to bed. Leading me to where I am now. I feel bad man and I wish I didn't. I tried to function this morning and it just wasn't happening. I always question myself when I am sick and I have somehting to do. Am I just being a pussy? Am I really feeling so bad that I can't do it or am I just using that as an excuse to get out of it. I am always trying to prove to myself that I am not lazy and that I am a hard worker. That is why often whenever a task comes along with physical labor involved I try to do the best job out of anyone. I try to prove myself to me. I guess in a way I am trying to make up for when I was younger. I would always slack off when given a job and I would always do a shitty job and not really care much. All that leads to is lazyness and I am bound and determined not to be lazy. Pysically at least. I remeber what really drove me not to be lazy was sports. In seventh grade I did football. I never really paid attention and I always goofed around not really caring about field time. I don't know why I was even on the team. I slacked off when it came to the exercises and just was a all in all waste of space on the team. That same year I tried wrestling. I thought at the time that I snorted something to have tried that, because that was 10x's harder than football ever was. I was the worst wrestler on the team and I never really understood it. I grew to hate and dread wrestling practice and in matches it got to the point to where I might as well have just laid down on the mat. Then in 8th grade year I was going back to do wrestling because I was too scared to tell the coaches that I didn't want to. Besides if there was one cool thing about wrestling, it was the coaches. I really liked them but I feared them more. Then about 2 days before practices were to start I was out with my youth group at a "Christian Youth Hang Out Spot" where they had arcades and live music and tv and internet cafe and console games. Well I decided to play air hockey and to make a long story shot, I dislocated my shoulder and made a small tear in my rotater cuff. Don't ask me how that came out freakin' air hockey but it did. Well for the rest of the night I couldn't move my arm without immese pain. The next day I could kinda move it but I had popping and snapping sounds every time I did. During this time my parents never even thought to take me to the emergency room. But through all of this I saw a way out of wrestling. To me, dispite all the pain, I got out of wrestling and that was all that mattered. I eventually got into physical therapy which helped but with steroids it didn't got some better. I still have problems with it to this day. My coaches were very upset that I couldn't wrestle. I don't think they were upset with me but with the fact that they saw a lot of potiental go down the crapper. I didn't see what they saw in me. Well time moved on and we got to our first tournament, and for the first time I started to regret all the slacking and not paying attention that I did. I really missed it. At the time it made no sense to me that I was missing something that I really hated. To make myself feel better I said to myself: "You may miss it now but if you were to get in there you would remeber how much you hated it." Well I really became depressed on how I couldn't wrestle but I forgot to mention ealrier that the coach used me to be manager. I was really useful in that position in the coaches eyes. I did so many things that helped them out since they were busy trying to keep 40 or 30 middle schoolers in line. I mopped mats and took stats and the step back really gave me time to reflect on how much I really did miss it but also the step back to watch gave me time to learn. I learned more outside of the mat than I did in the mat that year. Most of what I learned about wrestling came from that year. I then made a promise to myself not to be a lazy ass because lazy is not productive and also I learn tons more that could help me later down the line as to where lazyness just makes me more stupid. Well folks I'm hungry and I haven't eatin today so I'll post more tonight and I'll tell you how my overall day went.
Adam 10/16/04 1:23 p.m. - 2:08 p.m.

Hello Again

Hey folks. What's up? Not much here. It's like 12:16 a.m. and I just realized I hadn't blogged for the day. But due to parental wishes I must keep it breif. Let's see... today I rented Mortal Kombat: Deception. That is a very good game but my modem decided to be a real pain in the butt and not let me on the online portion of the game. All in all I've had fun with it. The only komplaint I have with the game is that the Konquest mode is very repetitive and it is mostly preditible. It does teach you the moves of every character, and that in itself is kool. Oh yeah... I just remebered about Batman: War Games and how I blogged on that yesterday. I can't wait till this Wensday because 3 more parts come out. 4, 5, and 6 which run through Batman: Gotham Knights, Robin and I think Catwoman come out this week. One of those could be wrong and it could be Batgirl possibly. I think that Batman is gonna either have to kiss some major butt or stop altogether (which is as likely as snow in July in California) in order to get his credibility back with the police department. The one title I am interested in reading after War Games stops is Gotham Central, which is storys of the GCPD. Supposedly in December's issue they will talk about how they all felt about Batman's actions. The cool thing about Batman is that he is one crazy, but smart, mother fucker to do that. I doubt highly that any other super hero would try to take over their city's police forces to try and fix things. I realized the other day that one thing I need in my life is either free money or a job. Talking about comics reminds me how small of an income I have beacuse every week I get about 3-10 comics that come in and I only walk out with about 5 if I'm lucky. I have fallen into the massivly popular problem of wanting more than I can have. I have decided to take care of this problem I need to cut down on what I get,and wait till they come out in trades if worst comes to worst. I've applied online several places to get enough money to support my habit but it seems no one cares about online applications as I have filled out about 4 and gotten not one response. Well folks It's 12:30 A.M. and I need to hit the sac. I got an early morning tomarrow to help fix up the Trinity Baptist's new building. I'll try to post 2x's tomarrow
Adam 12/16/04 12:15 a.m. - 12:31 a.m.

Moo

So folks, another day, and another post. I had an overall good day today. Yeah I felt like crap but with some advil and a lot of tissue, I got through it. I hate being sick. It sucks but I got that fit of rage out of my system earlier. About today, I did a lot of thinking about my life and just how I work as a person. I thought upon how much I try not to let my motions control me and why that is. I then realized that is the main basis for my ex-girlfriends homosexuality. "I can't help what I feel for other women." is what she would tell me. Yeah, you can't help how you feel but you can control what you do about that feeling and how you need to keep your reaction intact and just how important it is to think before you feel. I understand that sometimes we as people get angry and sometimes we have emotional outbursts. I of all people should know because I've done some pretty stupid and drastic things because of them. I just think that we as a society need to get a grip on our emotions. But hey I'm not society, I just know what I can change within me and do what I can to help me become a better person.
So moving on to more pressive matters. I got some comic books yesterday and they freakin' rocked. Especially Batman: War Games. It really shows the human side to Batman and how he falters as a person. Usually Batman is so... brainy and it's like he always knows what is going to happen. It also seem that he has mostly faultless decsion making beacuse he, the majority of the time, knows the consequences of his decisions. This is one time when he was doing a brain stretch and his temporary Robin got ahold of it after she was fired and tried to prove to Batman that she could handle being Robin. Well it turns out she caused mass chaos and much murder. Imagine Stockton with drive-by shootings every other minute. Well it all just ecelated from there. Some gang leaders started going after friends and family of the other gang leaders, people started hiring muscle and super villans to help them become the top gang, ect, ect. Well Batman made the mistake of taking over the police for 24 hours agaist the good will of the new comissioner. One of Batman's spies, who is the leader of a gang, gets killed and he was the main center piece of the puzzle. It turns out a guy named Black Mask assumes this guy's identity and that is the point where Batman gets screwed at a big gang unity rally. He then realizes that he screwed up because the police turn against him and now he has everybody gunning for him and his assistants. Well it's really good but I'll have to post more about it later because Dad keeps telling me to go to bed. Later.
Adam 10/14/04 10:39 p.m. - 11:08 p.m.

Bitchin'

You are probally looking at this title thinking "What the hell?" And yesterday I said I would post after my meeting with a teacher at school, which was nothing bad, just curiculum discussions. Well here I am. I decided to bitch and complain about how I feel like shit. Man, my nose is fuckin' runnin a marathon while the rest of my body is still at the starting line getting the shit beat out of it with a baseball bat. Well at least, that's how I feel. AND IT FUCKIN' SUCKS!!!!! I wish I felt better, nonetheless I still am functioning today but not very well. I want to go home and sleep. I think I am. I'm going to do that when I get home. I'm gonna take a nice long nap in my parents bed. I took some pills earlier but you know what those pills did? Didly squat. They didn't help a damn bit. Here I am just listing to music trying to do my school work and, shit, it's just hard to think. Well I'm damn glad I got that out of my system. I'll post to you guys later tonight. Maybe I can come up with a more articulate vocabulary than fuck, shit, bitch, and damn tonight when I talk. Beleive me, I'll actuallaly have something worth reading later. I'll try at least. No promises.
Adam 10/14/04 2:13 p.m. - 2:26 p.m.
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Inside My Head

Hello again my fellow readers. I figured today I would just write about whatever came first to my mind and run with my stream of conciousness. I guess that's what I'll do combined with some of what went on in my day.
Man what sucked today was I screwed up. I looked at porno today and I am really not proud of that. I now have new motivation not to. That is, I really don't want a lot of people looking at this saying "Man, what a perv" or "This guy's really fucked up". I've been looking at that shit way to long and it's brought me into too many crazy things. And like a moron, even though I loathe myself for it, I keep going back. What keeps me going back? I honestly don't know. Is it the adrinaline rush of knowing I'm doing something I'm not supposed to? Is it possibally the fact that I really like jacking off and it sounds good at the moment. Yeah that sounds like a pretty good possibility. I really need to take a look at how it affects the future and think about how it benifits me in the long run. It dosen't benifit me in the long run. Not a damn bit. All it does is destroy me and teach me how to hate myself and how to look at sexual partners as slaves instead of lovers. God knows I have this problem though. He knows this is something I've stuggled with since 5th grade. This is something that I will overcome but I need help and without Jesus on my side in this battle I'm fucked (no pun intended). I guess I just keep fighting the good fight from day to day, and there are days I'm gonna win the battle and there are days I'm gonna loose. I just need to give a hell of a lot more effort tomorrow than I did today. I just need to widen the gap of days of when I do look at porn. Eventaully the close I get to Christ the wider the gaps. That's the only way I know it to work. I see myself pulling closer to God as it is. I'm starting to realize that I cannot be without my relationship to God because I will die if I leave it. I HAVE to have it. Without it, I'd go nuts. That is the ONLY way I can go through life. It's been really comforting these last few nights putting on praise and worship while reading my bible and then going to sleep. I have really enjoyed that and I regret leaving my Promise Keepers praise and worship c.d. at church. I don't know what I will use to put myself to sleep but I'll find something. Well folks, it's late and I'll post in the morning after my meeting at school and then maybe again that night. I would really love to Blog my comic reviews for this week and other stuff in my head on comic books.
Adam 10/13/04 11:27 p.m - 11:49 p.m
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The Day of 10/12/04

Well this is my first blog and I really don't know much to say. I know thought that I was going to create a blog tonight so me and my friends can share our weeks and days and whathave you with each other. Well what the fuck, might as well. I don't know what the hell to say so I might as well recap my day as opposed to streamline my mind at this point in time. That's a little bit scary to do for a first blog.
Let's see... what did I do today??? Oh I know, man I went and got me some comics. I got Thor and I have been waiting for that for so long. It's the end of the Ragnarok story as well as the series. The whole story had been pretty good but the ending made no sense to me. Then I told my dad and after he read it; he was all like "Here's what happend and why". Once he explained it, it made a hell of a lot more sense than when I read it. It was cool and I still hope to collect the first two part of that story. They cost an arm and a leg though to get. Then to go back some, when I woke up I got in the shower. I tried to masturbate but I had too much thinkin of other stuff going on in my mind to really do it in an unsuspicous amount of time. So I got out and realized I didn't wash my hair. Oh well, what the hell, what are you gonna do? Besides I would kinda like to be gungish for a day. Man after I got out and got dressed and stuff my mom and dad were all like "Get in the shower and wash your hair." I didn't because I really didn't want to and besides as I said, I wanted to be grungish for the day. That was when my dad threatened to not let me get comics. I figured whatever because I haven't gotten them for two weeks anyhow and we got better ways to spend our money. Like on FOOD or BILLS. I can wait to get comics untill necessities are taken care of. So I did go out and just went about my day. I went to school/church and sat in my "office" for two hours talking to Bill about stds and stuff like that. He kept asking for dad. I wonder what the hell that was all about. Oh well it really dosen't matter. Just me being a nosey ass. I got on the computer and got on school. I realized that I needed to do my lesson on HIV in health. That wasn't very fun because I fought bouts of passing out due to my not handling stuff like that well. I think that was like psychosimatic anyhow so I just continued to read untill I felt sick and then minimized it for a little bit, looked up stuff I found interesting, and then went back to work. Finally I had an orthodonist appointment and mom grabbed me about 4 minutes before we were supposed to be there. I had broken my upper retainer due to being a dumbass about a week ago; so I was there to get it from the repair shop. They sat me in the chair right after I brushed my teeth and looked in my mouth. They handed me a new retainer and said "Think, and don't be a moron." Not quite in that fashion but that is the general jist of what they said. So mom and I left there after wasting 67 dollars on something I will probally not wear for a long time. We both decided then that we were hungry so I told her I wanted sushi. She fuckin hates sushi and she would not have anything to hear about me and my stomachs desires of raw fish sliced on rice. I did that just to aggeravate her though. After that we saw that we needed gas so we naturally stopped at a near by 7/11 to get some. (Huhuhuh he said "get some") That's when I realized we were close to Subway and I haven't had Subway in a long time. Mom was up for it and we proceeded down the street to fufill our natural urges for food. Man that sub was fuckin awesome. It was so good. The only problem was I ordered a honey mustard melt wich consists of honey mustard, bacon, ham, turkey and cheese warmed and put on the bread of your choice. I first bit into and I realized that this sandwich was a little dry to have honey mustard and mayo on it. So I kept eating not really caring because it kicked ass any how. About 4 bites from finishing my 12 inches of sandwich, I realized that there was no honey mustard. So I said "Fuck it!" and kept eating. It was good and could have been better, but it didn't really matter because I was almost done. I talked to mom and she said since we were like 2 minutes away from the comic shop that she wanted to take me to get my comics. I had and still have a shitload of comics in my reserve pile. I did get out six today though. I tried to get out the six I wanted to most but there were so many good things in. I finally ended up getting Ultimate Spider-Man #66 (funny), Teen Titans/Legion Special (good), Green Lantern #176 (slow), Thor # 85 (confusing), Batman in Detective Comics #799 (damn that's been around a long time and yet it was still good. act 3 part 1 of war games. all in all it was crazy yet good), and Wolverine #20 (just plain strange yet interesting). After purchasing these and then realizing I had 34$ more in by bag, I realized two things: (1. I must get a job. (2. I must read these asap. So I started on them only to get to where as you see above my opinons in short on them. By the time I finished reading them I was back at church and had gotten onto my schooling at around 4:10 and around 4:40 I was booted off the system and not allowed back on. An error came up when I tried to load the program claiming that all of San Jaquin County had been booted off the online schooling program. I don't know what the hell was up with that. So I told my parents and they were cool with it. I then decided to fufill my curiousity about a band called Dover. I had downloaded some of their songs and they were very good. I looked for an official web site and found none. Finally I found a fan site after 15 minutes of searching. The site, dovercametome.com, which is helmed after their awesome song "Devil Came To Me", had a ton of information about the band. They stated in the band bio that they are a Spanish originated band from Spain. They then moved to the U.K. to conquor the english language music realm. I looked for some of their albums on various cdnow.com-esque websites and I found that they were all very high priced due to the fact that they were all import albums. Evidently Dover has not tried to hit main stream America with their awesome music. It was all cool thought because just as I was obtaining this information, my father yelled to me that we were going to go grab some dinner. We headed out to sushi and that was damn good. I loved it but now I know not to get crab there. We then headed home after a breif dinner and I put about 20 or 30 minutes into my addiction. My addiction is Metroid: Prime and that is a fuckin kick ass game. I don't even like fps and that is a fuckin cool game. All of this led to my men's meeting at John's house. It was cool and we talked about some passages out of the book of James. They got me to think a little and we talked about church attendance and how we had 4 or 5 people who just wern't connecting with the church for some reason or another. In a group of about 12 at most, that's a lot of people. It really sucks that people feel they can't get connected to our church. I wonder what I could do to help them and maybe pull them in? We have done plenty of out reach to them in my opinion but I guess when it comes down to it, it is their decision to make our community a priority. It just sucks knowing that people feel they got better stuff to do than get to know folks and try to get connected to God through friendship. Well at the men's meeting, we discussed blogging so here I am. And I hope you've enjoyed reading about a typically adverage day for me. Maybe tomarrow will hold something intresting and I might let my mind go unleashed in stream of thought on my next blog.
Adam Messinger 10/12/04 9:14 p.m - 10:27 p.m