Today and What's Left of It

Howdy ya'll. I just woke up and it's 1:25 p.m. Man I am sicker than a dog who ate 10 lbs. of chocolate. Wel...maybe not THAT sick but I feel pretty bad. It is day 3 or 4 of the illness. I think allergies are turning into a sinus infection but I am not sure. Mom left for Golden Valley last night on a women's retreat and I only have me to take care of me right now. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad but he dosen't have the tender care that God usually gives mothers. It's just not the same when dad tries to take care of me as opposed to mom. Although I'm starting to wonder if mom knows 100% what she's doing because she gave me something that stopped up my runny nose. That in itself is not bad but she gave me 2 or 3 of them and now I cannot breathe out of my nostrels. Oh well, the day goes on and I have to at least be concious for the rest of today. I was supposed to go to church today and help fix up, so I got up at 7:00 and got in the shower like I was told. I got out of the shower still feeling the same as when I got up, which was very bad, and went back to bed. Leading me to where I am now. I feel bad man and I wish I didn't. I tried to function this morning and it just wasn't happening. I always question myself when I am sick and I have somehting to do. Am I just being a pussy? Am I really feeling so bad that I can't do it or am I just using that as an excuse to get out of it. I am always trying to prove to myself that I am not lazy and that I am a hard worker. That is why often whenever a task comes along with physical labor involved I try to do the best job out of anyone. I try to prove myself to me. I guess in a way I am trying to make up for when I was younger. I would always slack off when given a job and I would always do a shitty job and not really care much. All that leads to is lazyness and I am bound and determined not to be lazy. Pysically at least. I remeber what really drove me not to be lazy was sports. In seventh grade I did football. I never really paid attention and I always goofed around not really caring about field time. I don't know why I was even on the team. I slacked off when it came to the exercises and just was a all in all waste of space on the team. That same year I tried wrestling. I thought at the time that I snorted something to have tried that, because that was 10x's harder than football ever was. I was the worst wrestler on the team and I never really understood it. I grew to hate and dread wrestling practice and in matches it got to the point to where I might as well have just laid down on the mat. Then in 8th grade year I was going back to do wrestling because I was too scared to tell the coaches that I didn't want to. Besides if there was one cool thing about wrestling, it was the coaches. I really liked them but I feared them more. Then about 2 days before practices were to start I was out with my youth group at a "Christian Youth Hang Out Spot" where they had arcades and live music and tv and internet cafe and console games. Well I decided to play air hockey and to make a long story shot, I dislocated my shoulder and made a small tear in my rotater cuff. Don't ask me how that came out freakin' air hockey but it did. Well for the rest of the night I couldn't move my arm without immese pain. The next day I could kinda move it but I had popping and snapping sounds every time I did. During this time my parents never even thought to take me to the emergency room. But through all of this I saw a way out of wrestling. To me, dispite all the pain, I got out of wrestling and that was all that mattered. I eventually got into physical therapy which helped but with steroids it didn't got some better. I still have problems with it to this day. My coaches were very upset that I couldn't wrestle. I don't think they were upset with me but with the fact that they saw a lot of potiental go down the crapper. I didn't see what they saw in me. Well time moved on and we got to our first tournament, and for the first time I started to regret all the slacking and not paying attention that I did. I really missed it. At the time it made no sense to me that I was missing something that I really hated. To make myself feel better I said to myself: "You may miss it now but if you were to get in there you would remeber how much you hated it." Well I really became depressed on how I couldn't wrestle but I forgot to mention ealrier that the coach used me to be manager. I was really useful in that position in the coaches eyes. I did so many things that helped them out since they were busy trying to keep 40 or 30 middle schoolers in line. I mopped mats and took stats and the step back really gave me time to reflect on how much I really did miss it but also the step back to watch gave me time to learn. I learned more outside of the mat than I did in the mat that year. Most of what I learned about wrestling came from that year. I then made a promise to myself not to be a lazy ass because lazy is not productive and also I learn tons more that could help me later down the line as to where lazyness just makes me more stupid. Well folks I'm hungry and I haven't eatin today so I'll post more tonight and I'll tell you how my overall day went.
Adam 10/16/04 1:23 p.m. - 2:08 p.m.