Mammaw

There once was a very important person in my life. She had white hair of cotton and was very short and ponchy. She was very sweet and kind in her words and her actions. She didn't have much money but what she did have gladly went to either food, her family, or others. This person was my grandma, otherwise known to me as Mammaw. I loved Mammaw very very much but she is gone now. She has been gone for a little over than 5 years now but for some reason I seem to miss her quite a bit today. She was a Godly lady and was firm in what she stood for but soft as a pillow. When I was a little child she would hold me in her arms of kindness and sing to me. "Who's that little doggie in the window?" She would sing in an elderly and fragle voice. She had three grandchildren and she always seemed to show me favor for some reason. I was a wretched and selfish child who only cared about himself and how he could manipulate others to give him what he want. I took advantage of her kind spirit and was very mean to her sometimes during the end of her life. Right before I discovered she only had a set number of months left did I choose to accomidate her as opposed to myself. I often wish and daydream that I can go back in time and warn myself of events and slap some intelligence into myself. If I could I would tell my self first about that period of time. I would tell me not to take advantage of her ever. I would try to broaden my view in life and turn it outward instead of inward. She was the nicest person I ever met and I miss her. I wish I would have taken the time to get to know her better. I would very much give anything to spend a little bit of time with her now. In 9th grade, when I first moved to Kalifornia, and into about half of my 10th grade year I went through a very bad depression. There were times I felt like I were the only person in the world. Like I was a ghost among the tangible world and I would go around seeing people live there lives but they couldn't or wouldn't see me. One of the thoughts I would use to comfort myself would be one of my grandma holding me saying "Now dear, don't cry. It'll all be alright" Thinking of it now almost brings me to tears. Ironic, isn't it? See today I have been pretty depressed and I don't know why. I wasn't yesterday or the day before. Ever since I woke up I have been in a depressed state. Maybe it's because I'm sick. Maybe it's because I went to bed at 1 a.m. yesterday. Maybe it's because I didn't go to school today, or perhaps it's caused by lack of communicaion with God even though I've tried to keep a regualr time of talk with him and read my bible. I can't tell. I really can't. I just know that I need to get my act together tomarrow and hope things get better because that's all I can do. Untill tomarrow.
Adam 10/19/04 11:39 p.m. - 12:05 a.m.