With The Lights Out

What's up readers??? Nothin' here. I thought it was time to put in some good time tonight on my Blog. It was pretty weird to get a comment from someone I didn't know on my Ventalation blog. Thanks, it's nice to know that there are more people than I thought reading my mind.
I went to school today and it was cool. I had Senior Careers class and that was pretty boring. I just sat there being me and had fun without anywork to be done today since we had a sub. Had a nice long conversation with the dude sitting next to me about Todd McFarlane and his contribution to the comic book industry. I said I wanted to be a writer for Marvel but he replied "Why not be a writer for Image(Comics)." I explained that I would then have to have my own artist and pretty much work under myself with only them publishing my material. That would suck because I don't have the self-dicipline to do that yet. My next class was Creative writing and that is always a fun class. I was told to write about a picture I had. I wrote about my exgirlfriend and the hellacious relationship that drained my insides and replaced them after 9 months. I thought I had gotten over most of my pain and suffering out of that relationship. The first time I bawled my eyes out since my grandparents dided was the time I realized I had lost her forever and let her go. I wrote about 2 and half pages and still was not done with the story. My teacher always has us read to her our writing and I almost cried reading what I had wrote because it brought back all the pain. I had pretty much just flicked and poked a scar making it a little sore again for 2 and a half pages. I lollygagged while writing it because I really didn't want to. At first I thought it was because I was being lazy but then I got brutally honest with myself and reconized that it was because it hurt so much writing all this, that I just didn't want to go throught it all again but I knew I had to work throught the pain and focus on what good came out of it because I learned and grew tons. I matured and have entered into the process of becoming a man. Tomarrow I will post what I wrote and maybe I will add some stuff to finish it. I will post a part 2 to this tomarrow because I have my father nagging at me to go to bed so I must respect his wishes. See ya'll tomarow.
Adam 10/25/04 10:45 p.m. - 11:05 p.m.

Part 2
My exgirlfriend was and is a horrible person. She manipulated me and lied to me. She does this to most people that come across her path. I've seen how she uses her illness of bipolar to her advantage to do just about anything. She is very sick due to this mental illness also because of the many times she would become suicidal just in our relationship. After putting up with this and not realizing what all this was about made me change. It grew me and matured me because one thing I've learned physically and emotionally is that the greater amount of pain you go through the stronger you become from it and the better you can handle pain in the future if it is below you current tolerance. When I was in wrestling in 7th grade I cried about every little cut and bruise and pain and ache. I was a little pussy because I couldn't handle pain at all and even a slight flick to me would hurt. During 8th grade year a fellow student decided that he would punch me in the shoulder everyday and I never really cared. He would leave deep bruises and to me, it never really hurt. Yeah there was a day where enough was enough because the concept got old so I hit him back but it was never because it hurt. In 8th grade I lost my fragility physically due to hard pain conditioning. My relationship with my ex was like emotional conditioning so I could come out on the other side with a new limit to my threshold for pain and stress. I had a lot of pain going into our relationship because of the move and lonliness and in that I thought she would be the one to give me love. Well she didn't give me love but at least I got plenty of blow jobs out of it. They were never worth all the fights we had about if she really loved me or not or how I could help her feel better. Her bipolar was such a hard thing for me because there were day's she didn't want no one to touch her or hold her and I was a VERY physical person. I needed her touch and her kisses. When she told me to get the heck away from her I would take it personally when I shouldn't have and would say stupid and spiteful things. Then I would try my best to make her feel bad in instances when she didn't want to do something I wanted to. My ex was and is a horrible person. I was every bit as bad, I was manipulative in a different way. I was a little boy and therefore manipulated as child does his parents. Eventually when she broke up with me for the first time I tried to commit suicide. If I hadn't of then it would have happend eventually. She broke up with me claiming she wanted freedom. I had never felt so alone or so... just black. That is really how I felt. Black. I was an empty void. The strain of her that I wanted so badly combined with my lonliness and my deplacientness was just so bad that I didn't want to live. I didn't want tohave anything to do with a world this hopeless. After I got out of the phyciatric hospital I had never felt so high or good in my life. I guess it's a wonder what pills and people who can relate can do. Not only that but she said that she realized how much of a mistake she had made. So I got her back. Then later that week she broke up with me and then she blew me not 10 min later. Man talk about confusing. I didn't care thought. I was just happy that all was well. Then after she went to the mental hospital she broke up with me claiming to be a lesibain. Something which she sticks to this day but she said she wanted me back the next week. I think it was a month after that, I realized the we wern't going to get married like she said and we had planned and we wern't going to have children. There were several more times we broke up and got back together. At that point I had let go and was no longer emotionally attached but I really liked the head. I still miss it to this day but the trouble to get it back is not worth it and I realize it complicated things in our relationship that didn't needed to be complicated. I am very much looking foreward to a more simple relationship when it comes to future female relationships. To look at how different life was then and how it is now is just very... well it's better. I have a relationship with Jesus now and that has made the biggest difference for me and made life 10x's better, heck infinite times better than it would have been. Now I have friends and family that I love deeply and have much better relationships with. I was a sophmore and now I'm about to leave high school. Life is better because I've pretty much cut her out of my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. I hope to never see her again and I don't care if I ever talk to her again. To me there is nothing in there but pain and hurt and I don't need that confusion or fickleness. I am a whole person now and I am content with what I have and content with being single. It would be nice to have someone to cuddle with or kiss or hug everyonce in a while but I don't need one. I do miss not having someone to do that with but I will survive just fine without one. I am something I never was in that relationship. Happy and contenit. Peace out, and I'm prayin for you John.
Adam 10/27/04 10:33 p.m. - 11:10 p.m.